Hi.
Welcome back.
Just want to grind things here in Section 5 of the course.
I know that some of the ideas that are presented and shared with you through that last section core
values may have got you thinking.
Just a little Beth's might have sent you into the spiral of self reflection.
Well if I haven't done this I have failed you miserably my friend.
All right.
It's our core values that drive and underpin every single decision that we make in life every single
decision that we ever have made in life.
And every single decision that we ever well make in life.
So it's a crucial topic but you might remind you might have heard me say right back and start the course.
That is not what we say as life coaches that can make the greatest impact but it's sometimes how we
say what we say.
Sometimes it's how well we listen to other people when they're saying what they say and what I want
to suggest just to open this section of the course up as the communications can be broken down into
a few different parts.
All right.
Yes.
How well we communicate and how well we say the things that we say which is one power of effective communications
but then the flip side of the coin can be the power of communications that many people don't always
acknowledge i.e. how well we listen.
Remember every conversation that we have is always going to involve at least one other person.
All right.
And whilst yes it can be great to impress people with how knowledgeable we are and how smart we are
and how insightful we are and I have been there I've fallen into this trap.
And for us to be effective life coaches we have got to master the art of listening and hearing and seeing
where people are.
All right.
So the quality of our communications will determine how well we hear and are heard by other people.
All right I just want to open up the section with this one idea quality of communications determine
how well we hear and are heard by other people I want to give a reference snow and acknowledge a man
who I have massive respect for.
Massively respected his works over the year as a gentleman named Mr. Carol Rogers Carl Rogers was pretty
much the founding father.
Off what today is known as counselling.
He actually coined the term back in the I think it was the 1930s or the 1940s.
I my my memory doesn't serve me perfectly here.
Well Carl Rogers thought was he founded what back then was referred to as person centered therapy.
Now he wrote a fantastic book called on becoming a person.
And throughout this book he really gives reference to the key attributes off any effective helper or
coach or counselling practitioner.
No obviously this is a coaching course but what I want to present you with in this section are actually
a number of counselling skills and if you add communications processes taken from a different slightly
more intellectually based modality called neuro linguistic programming.
All right.
Why.
Because as coaches we sometimes just need to draw from different modalities for the purpose says of
being effective in our efforts.
So what Carl Rogers donors Burke and pretty much throw his life's works was he.
He placed real heavy emphasis on the core conditions that must be in place in order to obviously first
and foremost win the trust of another human being if they are to open up and share that which is which
is truthful about themselves.
They would remember as life coaches and it's not that we need to know a person's full back story.
We're doing it all right.
But we do need to know the key factors that stand to potentially hold them back and prevent them from
making the progress that they want to make in terms of the goals that they ultimately going to set themselves.
All right.
So whilst we don't need our clients Phil's story whereas counselling might focus on the back story of
a client's life coaching is always going to focus more on present day.
But what we need to understand in the present day is how a parish has been influenced by the past.
All right so by you know I'm hoping that you're starting to see why I've structured the course the way
in which I have done.
All right.
So this is an idea that I should write back and start the course.
But the quality of our lives is pretty much going to be determined by the calibre of our relationships
and the quality of our relationships and life is always going to be determined by how much trust is
in these relationships the amount of trust that is in our day to day relationships and especially in
our helping coach in relationships is gonna be determined by how effective we are building these core
conditions into the relationships the conversations and the interactions that we have with other people.
So the first of these core conditions Karl Rogers mentioned the state was empathy our ability to imperfectly
relate to other people.
No it's important that we understand the difference between empathy and sympathy.
Sympathy is where someone comes along with a problem like a child has fallen off their bike and a skin
their knees.
And we say Oh poor little Timmy oh dear poor you or poor you.
And what is little Timmy say Timmy says what he saw and then you see as you raise your knees saw little
Timmy and he says yes I fell off my bike and.
And what it was sympathy does sympathy does a real good job at keeping people in the victim mentality
victim mindset that are hard done by and all that kind of stuff.
As coaches we don't want our clients go in there and if they are they are willing to snap them out of
it as quickly as we can.
And we can actually do this through being empathic.
It's not about sympathizing.
It's not about focusing on what's happened.
It's actually about us stepping into another person's shoes so that we can see what they see hear what
they hear feel what they feel and look at the world through this other person's eyes for the purpose
of doing our best to understand them and relate to them here with me.
All right.
You understand this.
I mean think about conversations that you've had in the past where you've just felt like someone was
really there for you and it's not like someone's just nodding along in a patronising way just sayin.
Yes I am I understand you I I know what you mean and things like that.
Because this doesn't cut it.
All right that's quite patronising and that can also be perceived as quite false.
What I'm saying here is you'd open someone who's empathizing with us because they are asking questions
that perhaps offering hunches or shared insights asking questions.
Is it like this.
Is it like that.
And it's not coming from a place of agreement here it's again coming from this place of wanting to under
stand.
All right.
So our ability to empathize and relate to other people there's going to be determined by how much we
actually really want to understand them when we want to understand the person the right.
That's generally when when the foundations of trust start again developed a person can see that we're
actually there for them not to agree with them.
We're not there to fix them we're not there to sympathize with them or advise them or anything like
this we're here to understand and help them from this place.
The second of the three core conditions that Carl Rogers gave reference to was congruence.
Now I want to build this idea of congruence in with the core value of authenticity.
All right.
Think about how much you are willing to trust those people in life.
You come across who you know just being false you know they're not really interested in you.
It might be the case that you start talking about yourself and then enter that place.
Mm hmm.
All interesting.
And you know that what you're saying is just like kind of good right over and run their head to the
largely interested in anything that you say here.
All right.
So what I'm saying is in order to win the trust of our clients as life coaches we must be congruent.
Right.
No I have done my best to exercise congruence through this course.
All right.
And this is where I'm gonna explain and justify why there are errors in this course.
Why I jumble my words sometimes why I might miss communicates well that there are mistakes in the course
because I do want to make myself out to be perfect or and flawed.
All right.
Why.
Because if you think about it as human beings we can't relate to people who are you know on floor that
who make themselves say to be perfect congruence is about our willingness just to simply present our
true authentic selves where our words are representative of our actions and our actions are representative
of our words sometimes we're gonna save what we see sometimes we're going to get things wrong and when
we do get things wrong we will then retract humbly.
All right.
Are willing to be congruent and transparent and authentic with people is what fundamentally builds the
trust especially if we are doing our best to empathetically relate before it really is.
There's gonna give a a person permission to be themselves more than a person who's just being themselves.
Let's think back to one of the ideas shared in their core values presentation you the long one.
I said sometimes the greatest risk we can take in life is just being ourselves right.
Why.
Well we think about it.
What most people do in life or most people you know kind of do their best to hold back and refrain and
put on some sort of show.
Keep keep up.
Put on a mask.
They want to show people who they actually really are and what's actually really going on for them at
the core why for fear of being rejected or being shot down or being you know dismissed or rejected or
something like this.
And this is where empathy incongruous start working hand-in-hand.
No I am going to be fully me and as I am being fully me I'm given you permission to also be fully you.
It's OK I'm going to be fully me you'll be fully you and we can get to know and understand each other.
It's only when I start to understand you when I start to see you that I'm gonna be able to empathize
with you.
You with me so you may be thinking Cain is going to be to do with communication skills aren't there
just the three simple steps are a couple of techniques that I can use.
No there are no techniques.
This is about you communicate from the core of your very being about being real No it's not about trying
to get the techniques and the skills right essentially about you communicating from a place of openness
from a place of real ness real genuine transparency and authenticity.
The third core condition of a healthy helping stroke coaching relationship is unconditional positive
regard.
Right.
And this is no what links our communication skills our communication style our use of language N with
a beautiful attitudes that are pretty much opened up this course with remember some of the ideas that
are shared.
There's no such thing as a bad intention.
Well it doesn't matter what your opinion is.
All right you can see what I mean.
All the murderers and the rapists of the world and what about the people who do this and what about
people that do that.
Come on snap out of it mature and you're thinking my friends.
All right who's ever gonna trust you when you are judging them when you are making assumptions of why
they are doing and saying the things that they're doing and saying how do you like it when people are
making assumptions if you are trying to fix you or trying to advise you assuming that you do not know
any better that's pretty darn patronizing isn't it.
But yet this is the brought that many helpers specially coaches that I know today take all right.
And the wonder why the clients don't come back to them after session to recession three year recession
four because the clients don't feel like getting anywhere and they feel that their coach is there trying
to correct them or you know judge them or fix them or heal them or something like that which is pretty
undermining and pretty belittling unconditional positive regard.
All right.
Walks hand-in-hand with Congress and.
But empathy because you can say what you want to me and you can be whoever you want to be but it doesn't
really matter what you've said or done in the past that makes no odds.
Why.
Because the person sitting in front of me right.
No well you're going to be very different from the person you were back then.
I don't care about what you've done in the past.
What I care about is who you are today.
I'm interested in you the person not and what you've done not even so much of what you want to do.
I'm interested in you.
Right.
So unconditional positive regard.
I'm going to unconditionally accept you.
Don't get me wrong we might look at some of the attitudes and the habits and behaviors that you're currently
embracing that may not be serving here.
But listen this is part of the coaching process fundamentally change is only really going to have our
ever happened in you.
Once you're ready to change once you've decided that your desire to change is greater than you desire
to remain the same then you're only going to allow me to guide you through this process once you trust
me once you know that I'm not going to try to advise you or correct you or teach you anything when I'm
not coming from a place of thinking that I've got you in a box that I know you I'm here unconditionally
accepting you doing my best to understand you and relate to you and listen I'll even go first.
So gorgeous wrought by the core conditions in his 1957 paper then assess the necessary and sufficient
conditions of therapeutic personality change.
All right.
Yes our understanding has kind of evolved since then.
Just a little bit but to be honest with you this is pretty much the basis of old counseling work and
helping work.
This ever happened pretty much over the last 50 years.
So these are the core conditions of coaching.
They're also the core conditions of counseling but also the core conditions of helping people in general
but also the core conditions off what's required and needed to be in place to build healthy and robust
relationships.
So what better principle or idea to open up this section of the course with than these.
But let me show you how these actually come into play and coach in practice throughout the rest of this
section.